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Chronology

1963 I was born in the city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States. Soon after I was born, my mother begins to experience mysterious episodes (years later classified as some form of anxiety or panic disorder). In accordance with contemporary beliefs, her condition was considered purely psychological. I did not learn of her attacks until my adulthood decades later.
1963 - 1976 During my childhood, I was notably shy and probably had a mild degree of anxiety disorder. At the time, however, few people considered my shyness a serious problem. With some encouragement, I participated in scouts, sports, band and choir. I also enjoyed opportunities to travel. My family visited Norway once (original home of my paternal grandparents) and we spent many summers camping at national parks throughout North America. Around age nine, I experienced an isolated episode of collapse (assumed a hypoglycemic episode) and an isolated episode of acute abdominal pain (assumed intestinal gas).
1976 - 1982 My parents separate and later divorce. I choose to live with my father in the home and neighborhood I was used to. During my teens, cross country summer camping trips are continued with my brother Aaron and our father. My brother and I also enjoy trips to the Caribbean with our mother and, soon to be, stepfather. Collectively, my parents also support my participation in a school trip touring Germany, Austria and Switzerland. All this traveling allows me to pursue a passion for mountaineering and several exciting scuba dives; in addition to hiking, skateboards, and horseback riding. Astronomy, science fiction, film making and computers were strong interests of mine. I eventually embrace part-time and summer jobs; ranging from an auto parts shop to an inspiring summer working at a planetarium. During high school, I did experience another isolated episode of collapse (again assumed to be a hypoglycemic episode). Nonetheless, my anxiety seemed unremarkable at this time and I embraced ambitions of becoming a physicist.
1982 - 1986 I attend Rutgers University and begin some of the best years of my life. Fortunately, I was enthusiastic about my studies, quickly made friends and was boundlessly optimistic. During college, I became a president of the physics club, a captain of the chess team, and was elected to the Who's Who honor society. My special interests included relativity, celestial mechanics, computer graphics and artificial intelligence. Also, my brother David was born. Eventually, I graduate in physics with minors in computer science and mathematics. Upon graduation, I find myself unsure of which interests I am willing to devote myself to.
1986 Jun I begin work as a software developer for Computer Sciences Corporation (CSC) in Morristown, New Jersey.
1988 Jul 5 Transfer to Greenbelt, Maryland, to work on a CSC contract with the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center; specializing mainly in spacecraft navigation (with some analysis regarding related applications of artificial intelligence techniques). I enjoy several years working as a flight dynamics analyst. My first mission operations experience is support for the Cosmic Background Explorer (COBE) satellite; mapping infrared observations relating to the Big Bang (origin of the universe).

Panic Disorder Begins

1991 Jan 10 During an average day at work, I suddenly experience a mysterious attack. Symptoms include sweating, nausea, shortness of breath, dizziness, confusion, extreme weakness, and turning vividly pale. Feeling a profound sense that I am about to die for some unknown reason, I ask a coworker to call for an ambulance. Soon, I am taken to the ER at Peoples Hospital. The attack fades over a couple of hours and no medical problems are identified by the ER staff.
1991 Jan Mysterious attacks continue (begin experiencing spontaneous and nocturnal panic attacks, as well as agoraphobia, though I didn't understand what such things were at the time). Persistent attacks encourage me to consult my doctor as I lose a number of days from work.
1991 Jan - Apr First attempted diagnosis conducted by my physician and several specialists. No medical problems are found. They conclude my attacks were a form of stress. I question this conclusion and seek further diagnostics.
1991 Apr 4 - 23 Second attempted diagnosis conducted at Johns Hopkins hospital in Baltimore, Maryland. No medical problems are found. Again, stress is diagnosed. I still questioned this diagnosis, but follow my doctor's advice to try psychotherapy.
1991 Apr 25 Begin psychotherapy to address my apparently stress-induced attacks. My therapist is both a psychiatrist and psychologist who addresses my case from a psychoanalytic perspective. Over the following months of therapy, the attacks gradually become less severe; which seemed to support the theory of psychological stress.
1991 Jul The ending of the US-Soviet Cold War leads to budget cuts at NASA and subsequent destaffing of the contract I worked under. I had the opportunity to join the Hubble Space Telescope project, but had to turn it down on account of my apparent stress condition. I eventually accepted a less stressful position developing software on a CSC contract with the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA).
1991 Sep Believing my attacks were finally under control, I cease psychotherapy.
1992 Jan Mysterious attacks surge again with full severity. I resist seeking the aid of an ER, and weather out the horrible attacks on my own while hoping they're not medically dangerous. I lose many days of work in the process.
1992 Feb 18 Third attempted diagnosis with a physician in Westchester, New York. Lyme Disease is suspected and I begin taking appropriate antibiotics.

Disabled

1992 Mar Attacks persist while continuing antibiotics. Having exhausted my sick leave and vacation time, I had to leave my employer and my career for medical reasons. Without income, I move into my father's home in Philadelphia and live off my savings. It is about this time that I learn of my mother's past experience with similar attacks.
1992 Jul While continuing antibiotics, the attacks persisted. I became deeply depressed about my situation. The routine and frightening attacks, a growing loss of independence and finances, feeling alone and disconnected from society, and my eroding hope for recovery all contribute to my depression and lead to thoughts of suicide. My parents become concerned over my emotional state and encourage me to start psychotherapy again. I soon begin a second course of regular psychotherapy in Philadelphia. My new psychoanalyst, Marie Coleman Nelson, gradually proves very helpful with regard to my depression, but our continued sessions have a negligible affect on my still mysterious attacks.
1992 Aug 3 Final course of IV antibiotics rules out Lyme disease as a cause of the mysterious attacks. I remain suspicious that my attacks are due to a medical condition.
1992 Oct 27 - 30 Fourth attempted diagnosis conducted at the Lahey Clinic near Boston, Massachusetts. My doctors conclude that I am medically healthy and encourage my continued psychotherapy.
1992 Nov 12 Hearing of medication trials for something called "panic disorder," I visit the Philadelphia Medical Institute hoping to learn more. No one adequately explains panic disorder nor the medication, so I shy away from the program.
1993 Feb The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks suddenly surge again. I begin to notice a pattern to my attacks; which surge and gradually fade throughout the year. Over the following years, I realize the cycle has a period of approximately 13 months.
1993 Sep My savings nearly depleted, I apply for and begin accepting Social Security Disability (SSD) checks (with much help from my brother Aaron). Assistance from SSD supports my basic living expenses and my continued pursuit of recovery.
1994 Mar The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks surge again.

Learning about Panic Disorder

1994 Jul The Internet newsgroup alt.support.anxiety-panic (ASAP) is created. Thanks to my brother Aaron, I start my first Internet account and discover ASAP only a few months after its creation. Interacting with other sufferers in this international forum, I find that I am not alone in my suffering. I begin to learn much about the diverse nature of anxiety and panic disorders; including various psychological theories and obscure medical causes. Eventually, I diagnose myself as suffering from panic disorder rather than stress. Over the following years, ASAP becomes my greatest source of educational and emotional support.
1995 Apr The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks surge again.
1995 Jun Recognizing that humor is an effective coping skill against anxiety and depression, I began to collect humorous stories from other anxiety-panic sufferers in ASAP and titled the collection "Amusing Panics" (web site no longer available).
1995 Jul - Aug During my continued psychotherapy, I try two sessions of hypnosis in an attempt to find repressed psychological traumas. Nothing significant is discovered. My psychotherapy gradually shifts from psychoanalysis to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
1996 May The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks surge again. Through ASAP, I notice that some other panic disorder sufferers experience similar panic cycles; ranging from several months to several years. Such cycles do not seem ubiquitous, but apparently apply to an unknown percentage of panic disorder cases.
1996 Jun Attempting to organize ASAP's growing collective knowledge of the psychological and medical aspects of anxiety, I start to coordinate The ASAP Dictionary of Anxiety and Panic Disorders.
1996 Jul 22 During a particularly severe bout of crippling panic attacks, my brother Aaron takes me to the ER at the University of Pennsylvania hospital (suggested by my father). By now, I had learned enough about the medical aspects of panic disorder to suspect my attacks were being caused by a serotonin imbalance (a prominent medical theory at the time). The ER staff review my extensive case history and listen to my serotonin suspicions. To my surprise, they seem somewhat familiar with panic disorder. They help arrange an appointment for me with their panic disorder expert; Edward Schweizer, MD.

A Couple Years of Paroxetine

1996 Jul 25 I report to the University of Pennsylvania Outpatient Psychiatric Clinic and meet Dr. Schweizer (director of the clinic). He agrees with my serotonin suspicions and - as part of a clinical trial - I begin taking the SSRI medication paroxetine (Paxil) along with the benzodiazepine medication alprazolam (Xanax). My panic attacks cease, however I continue to have significant anxiety difficulties. Nonetheless, the improvement in my condition is significant, and a great relief from the last five years of horror.
1996 Sep 23 I participate in a panic disorder lecture with Dr. Schweizer at the University of Pennsylvania medical school.
1997 SSD Review. Approved for continued SSD assistance.
1997 Jun Apparently responding well to paroxetine, my case management is transferred from the Outpatient Psychiatric Clinic to a doctor of internal medicine; still within the University of Pennsylvania Health Care System.
1997 Jun The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks surge again, but not as badly as previous years. My apparent improvement suggests that my medications are helping.
1997 Aug Interview my mother about her experiences with anxiety/panic disorder.
1997 Aug I contact the Anxiety Disorder Association of America (ADAA) and express an interest in becoming more involved in panic disorder education. I explain my background and offer to write an article for their newsletter. They welcome my offer and I write an article entitled Unfelt Hope; regarding desperation and hope in the shadow of panic disorder. Over the next few months, I send my article to them several times and ask for feedback, but they are very reluctant to discuss the matter. The ADAA offers little explanation and, eventually, refuses to reply to me on any subject.
1997 Due to financial pressures resulting from the collective cost of therapy, medications and living expenses, I temporarily suspend my psychotherapy sessions. Nonetheless, I maintain contact with my therapist and have at least one more follow-up session months later.
1997 Oct I send a letter to many of the medical doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists I had consulted over the last six years. The letter briefly describes my eventual diagnosis of panic disorder and what I had learned about the condition. Only two of my past medical doctors reply. They mention having suspected panic disorder in my case, but offer no explanation of why they did not discuss this with me. I personally suspect that, in the early 1990s, the nature of panic disorder was considered uncertain and controversial in the general health care community. The 1990s were a period of dramatic change in the awareness and understanding of anxiety disorders.
1997 Dec 17 I participate in the taping of a PBS TV program in Arlington, Virginia. The show is titled Exploring Your Brain: Fear, Stress, and Anxiety (one part of a four episode series). I have the opportunity to address a panel consisting of Dr. James Ballenger, Dr. Judith Rapoport, and Dr. Joseph LeDoux. The program is first broadcast via PBS stations throughout the United States in 1998.
1998 Mar Interview my maternal grandmother about her experiences with anxiety/panic disorder.
1998 Jun 10 I attend the 2nd annual Panic Disorders Institute (PDI) conference in Los Angeles, California, and present a talk regarding observations of the similarities between veteran and civilian experiences of panic disorder; entitled Panic Disorder and Lessons from War.
1998 Jun 15 Returning from the PDI conference, I learn that Marie Coleman Nelson, my most helpful therapist and friend, has died. I attend a service for her and speak openly about how she helped me overcome depression and suicide.
1998 Jul The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks surge again. My medications still seem to be helping, but side effects include fatigue and growing weight gain.
1998 Aug With help from my close friend Jay, we create Anxiety-Panic.Com; an Internet search engine devoted to anxiety, panic and related disorders.
1998 Aug In an enormous act of generosity, my brother Aaron offers me the townhouse he is moving out of. I accept his offer and begin living on my own again for the first time in nearly six years.
1998 Oct 31 I organize a Halloween game for my fellow anxiety/panic friends in ASAP. The winner, Jackie, chooses and is awarded a copy of Dr. Kernodle's book, "Panic Disorder, The Medical Point of View."
1998 Nov Having experienced abnormal weight gain (50-lbs in two years) and increasingly frequent fainting spells, I suspect I am reacting poorly to paroxetine (the one medication I have been taking regularly). After talking with my doctor, we agree that I should try tapering off of this SSRI medication. As I taper down, my fainting spells occur less often and my weight stabilizes. By January, 1999, I cease taking paroxetine (Paxil) entirely and my fainting stops. My weight soon drops 20-lbs. I rely solely on alprazolam (Xanax) PRN (as needed) to manage my panic attacks, which appears to work reasonably well. Attempts to report my longterm adverse reaction to the clinic which started my paroxetine treatment are dismissed because the clinical trial had ended.

A Few Years of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

1999 Mar During a routine visit to my father's home, I discover his dead and mutilated body. The experience leaves me with some degree of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which, naturally, complicates management of my preexisting panic disorder.
1999 Jun 9 I attend the 3rd annual Panic Disorders Institute conference in Pasadena, California, and present a pilot study of education and exploitation of anxiety and panic disorders on the Internet's World Wide Web (WWW); entitled Anxiety and Panic on The Web.
1999 Aug The severity, duration and frequency of my attacks surge again. Xanax PRN helps to manage discrete attacks, but I still become acutely disabled and struggle with routine tasks. Unable to adequately care for my pet cats, I am sadly forced to surrender them to a local animal shelter.
1999 Oct - Nov I organize the 2nd annual ASAP Halloween game and book drawing. This year's game is organized around a new web site I created with the help of my friend Jay; The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner, Trey, chooses and is awarded a copy of Daniel G. Amen's book, "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life."
1999 Nov Taigi Smith, a producer of the popular CBS television program "48 Hours," first contacts me regarding a program about panic disorder. Over the following months I offer referrals, personal perspectives and assistance for the program. Later broadcast on February 24, 2000, the program is titled Panic; A Look At People Struggling With Anxiety.
1999/2000 Awe and Trembling, edited by E. Mark Stern, EdD, ABPP, and Robert B. Marchesani, MSS, is published. The book explores psychological interpretations of awe and panic as both functional and nonfunctional experiences. The book is dedicated to my late therapist, Marie Coleman Nelson, and includes a last interview before her death. Also included is a chapter of my own, "Panic: When Fear Goes Wrong," which details my panic disorder experiences in the early and mid 1990s (prior to my PTSD).
2000 May SSD Review. Approved for continued SSD assistance.
2000 Sep My usual panic spike (dramatic increase in frequency and duration of attacks) does not occur as expected. Such spikes had occurred like clockwork every 13 months for almost a decade. I still suffer attacks roughly every other day, but the periodic onslaught of several attacks per day seems absent this year. No one knows what might have caused this unexpected change.
2000 Oct - Nov The 3rd annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner, Katie, chooses and is awarded a copy of "Abused Beyond Words; The Healing Journey of Reclaiming Our Inner Power and Peace by Speaking the Unspeakable Truth."
2001 Apr Despite my Internet activities and other endeavors, my daily life remains painfully solitary. In a effort to relieve this social isolation, I begin looking for accessible and affordable anxiety support groups. After hunting through the phone book and making numerous calls, I eventually find one local support group within my limited means. This group is part of the Recovery Inc. network.
2001 Jun 25 After much appreciated participation by the on-line anxiety disorder community, Dr. Hans Pols and I complete A Pilot Study of the Internet Anxiety Disorder Community.
2001 Sep 11 Coordinated terrorist attacks against the United States; killing many people from many nations. The international community unites against terrorism and, remarkably, the on-line anxiety disorder community responds to the crisis well with constructive discussion and mutual support. The Anxiety-Panic.Com search engine is promptly updated to better support people suffering PTSD.

Image Credit : Detail of "September, 2001" (pastel on paper, roughly 3 x 7 ft.) Copyright S. Lifschitz, 2001.

2001 Oct The 4th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner, Philip Peters, chooses to pass his prize along to Anna, who then chooses a copy of "The Spirit of Tibet : The Life and World of Khyentse Rinpoche, Spiritual Teacher."
2001 Dec Despite meeting many nice people, I feel compelled to leave the Recovery Inc. support group after eight months. My main frustration regarded the group's rigidly psychological philosophy which had effectively forbidden me from discussing anxiety and panic attacks of a medical nature. Being unable to truly participate and frequently having to hear or recite rhetoric I knew to be untrue, the experience proved more burden than help in my case.
2002 Aug 2 The Anxiety-Panic History web site is launched.
2002 Oct The 5th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner, Hank, chooses and is awarded a copy of Robert Gerzon's "Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety."
2003 May SSD Review. Approved for continued SSD assistance.

International Conference on Psychophysiology of Panic Attacks

2003 Sep 3 - 10 I attend the 1st International Conference on Psychophysiology of Panic Attacks in London, England, and present a case study of myself entitled A Comparison of Physiological Panic Disorder with Psychological Trauma. For background and details, please see my personal account or visit the official conference site.
2003 Sep 11 Having returned from London, I learn that my friend Jon Guite has unexpectedly died. Jon was a fellow panic disorder patient who was well known for operating the Internet's first chat forum devoted to anxiety and panic disorders (known as #anx/pan). My personal account of the London conference is dedicated to his memory.
2003 Oct The 6th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner wishes to remain anonymous, but is comfortable mentioning their selection of the book "Surviving Panic Disorder" by Stuart Shipko, M.D. Hearing of the winner's selection, Dr. Shipko kindly donates a signed copy of his book, which I pass along to the winner.
2004 Jan Having an extra copy of Dr. Shipko's book, I decide to organize a special winter book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The randomly chosen winner is Dawn (AKA Stepdawn).
2004 Sep 29 - Oct 8 I attend the 2nd International Conference on Psychophysiology of Panic Attacks in London, England, and present a keynote speech entitled Have We Made Any Progress? For background and details, please see my personal account or visit the official conference site.
2004 Oct The 7th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner, Vashti, chooses and is awarded a copy of "A Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis, along with a spare copy I happened to have of "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook" by Edmund J. Bourne.
2005 Oct 15 - 16 I attend the 3rd International Conference on Psychophysiology of Panic Attacks in Philadelphia, US. For background and details, please see my personal account or visit the official conference site.
2005 Oct The 8th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner, Anne (hennypenny), chooses and is awarded a copy of "What If...?: My Story Of Panic Attacks" by K. C. Rinehart and the audio CD "Detaching The World Vol. 1 - Ambient Music For Massage/Relaxation/Meditation."
2006 Oct 8 I attend the 4th International Conference on Psychophysiology of Panic Attacks in Philadelphia, US. For details, please visit the official conference site.
2006 Oct The 9th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game!
2007 Oct The 10th annual ASAP Halloween book drawing via The Anxiety-Panic Trivia Game! The winner wishes to remain anonymous, but is comfortable mentioning their selection of the audio CDs "Experience Yoga Nidra: Guided Deep Relaxation" by Swami Janakananda Saraswati and "Yoga Nidra Meditation: Extreme Relaxation of Conscious Deep Sleep" by Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati.